God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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