My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
