I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
