I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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