I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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