Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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