you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Dating After Heartbreak
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable