i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet