blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You may now shotgun with the bride
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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