The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Randomize
