We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Randomize
