So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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