I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've blown a few things in my day
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
