Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
