I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
i think my cat just said my name.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
