did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
So many bounce houses so little time
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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