if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
