He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
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Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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