I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
