Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Randomize
