just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
