So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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