Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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