God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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