i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
