I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Randomize
