The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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