I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
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