i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
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