Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
