I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
