everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
