OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
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I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
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The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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