last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
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