My underwear smells like fireworks.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
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All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
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Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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