Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
So many bounce houses so little time
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Randomize
