2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Don't tell me you're on acid again
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
