i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
