just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
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You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
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We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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