I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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