Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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