he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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