She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
