the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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