Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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