He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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