Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I wear drunk well.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
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