sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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