you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
