Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Randomize
