so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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