I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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