You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
