I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
this hospital has no fireball
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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