Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
