the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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