he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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