I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
