Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Holy shit dude........stairs
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
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