Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
