i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
